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I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Canada has crack?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I put the hot in psychotic.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively