Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

wtf is a larm clock?

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.