Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

😜

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”