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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom