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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
A small tragedy.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
#Caturday
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”