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Read my skeletonās diary today. Anyone know what āloathsome flesh blanketā means?
Me irl
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
Iām dying [sees she isnāt wearing a ring] I mean Iām fine but not as fine as you, sup?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, Iām like, āNo. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.ā
*knock knock*
āSir, this is the police, open the door immediatelyā
āBut Iām having a pooā
āWe know sir, the phone box has glass sidesā
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like āsorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice againā
āā¦any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now orā¦ā
Theyāre engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeƱo
ME: my son ran away
COP: we wonāt rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driverās seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point Iām trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and Iāll do one my way.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The first thing Iām going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when itās their turn to go
not for long
I bought a high-tech mop and Iām very excited about it. Not so excited that Iām going to throw up, but it wouldnāt be a problem if I did.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Iām not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a ladyās hair and I didnāt tell her.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell āLearn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!ā
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly belovedā¦
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: ā¦and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Never run with scissors. Unlessā¦
ā¢ You stole them
ā¢ Youāre running a 400 meter scissor relay
ā¢ Youāre being chased by giant paper dolls
[mattress store interview]
āWhat would you bring to this job?ā
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? Iām not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesnāt have a comma named after it.
Sorry, Iām in a hurry, lets talk while we walkā¦ You go that way.