? 馃拃
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can鈥檛 find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I鈥檒l take it.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I don鈥檛 know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
What I say:
Please don鈥檛 jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I鈥檝e never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I鈥檝e ever seen
Me:聽May I see your report card?
Grandson:聽I don鈥檛 have it.
Me:聽Why not?
Gs:聽I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
TRAIN’S HERE
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.