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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Good morning
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
