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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
always be there
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rÄ«Ä‹e’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.