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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.