Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.