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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Time heals everything 🙂
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
A short story of betrayal:
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.