💯😂
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.