💯😂
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
i made a craigslist ad !
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
