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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude