Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.