Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”