📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
brian had himself a morning…
Sorry not sorry.
This meal prepping shit is easy
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.