Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.