馃敟馃敟
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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I鈥檓 quitting this book club.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don鈥檛 wear any.
this is the best day of my life
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They鈥檙e just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I鈥檓 not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…