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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
When ur friends with white people
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
This kid is going places
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet