🔦🌙👣
You Might Also Like
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking