🔦🌙👣
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
i’m so sick of this guy
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?