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I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.