🖕🏻👽
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale