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Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions