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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)