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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir