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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired