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Why does every dog run the moment you ask âwhatâs in your mouthâ
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: Itâs a hangover. Youâre drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God⌠wine causes the coronavirus!
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Iâm learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yoâ
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
âBobâs hereâ
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
âBob from workâ
*clouds recede*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When youâre eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I canât hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Psssst ⌠Hey buddy ⌠One hit of this stuffâll take you right back to â79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is âsemicolonâ
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
You canât screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a âhouse phoneâ because they donât even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Iâve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly Iâm 44 & a total moron đ
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Her: Wasnât it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yardâŚ
My buddyâs PRETTY drunkâŚ
So I took the car key off of his keychainâŚ
Heâs been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin