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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
i hate you platonically
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas