You Might Also Like
presenting your incognito window wrapped
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design