ππββ¬
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
George Washington only said βI cannot tell a lieβ because he never had to fill out a kidβs reading log.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you donβt retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If the apple really doesnβt fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husbandβs grave*
βI wanted to let you know that after all these years Iβve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.β
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
When someone says we can do something βweather permittingβ I remind them that weatherβs not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Absolutely travel with kids. Itβs important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, βat the wallβ, without shutting it down properly. βThat couldnβt have caused anything, could it?β π
βProbablyβ.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[β’[β’[β’[β’[β’[β’[β’_β’]β’]β’]β’]β’]β’]β’] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
LMFAOOOO
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it