ππββ¬
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
me: theyβre all so cute but i donβt know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
he chose this
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude youβre going to jail
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Excel is weird because you never know you arenβt that good at it, until you are asked to do something youβve never heard of
[dinner at my parentsβ]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: theyβre not your parents weirdo
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said βmy boyfriendβs stormed off. do you want his chips?β and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Today’s tshirt
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend