😂🐈⬛
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-