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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going