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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
me irl
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.