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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert