Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
This is a whole mood;
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Oh yeah that’s it
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me