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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Reminder:
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed