😂💯
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Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.