😂🖐️
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Who’s your best friend?