😂🖐️
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?