😂🖐️
You Might Also Like
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My current situation
Danger is very dangerous
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.