😂🖐️
You Might Also Like
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze