😂🖐️
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.