Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

I love the honesty

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe