πππ
You Might Also Like
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Kids at this rave act like theyβve never seen a CPAP machine.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
Iβm starting to think one of us is adopted.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Itβs cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didnβt pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
canβt catch a break
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, βmail man.β Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! Youβre my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst π dating app π ever
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like theyβre physically coming over
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady iβm doing my best
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, Iβm going to break it.
translated into Canadian
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object β every time.
Astronaut: Dave, thatβs not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.