😂😂😂
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit