😂😂😂
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Cold.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it