😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*