😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Awesome parenting 😂
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.