😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I came this close!!!!
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not