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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.