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don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
we did it you guys we saved daylight
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.