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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G β
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Son: Iβm tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, Iβm Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, youβre copying me now?
D: Oh, youβre copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
181.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someoneβ
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squadβ
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasnβt talking to me anymore.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they donβt allow fire arms in the building.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Writers will call anything menacing and Iβm just supposed to accept it. βA menacing windβ βa menacing howl in the distanceβ. Just say youβre scared of wind and corgis. Donβt try to convince me itβs reasonable.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs