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ME: Iβm dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Iβve received so many Christmas cards from people I donβt know this year, probably because they werenβt addressed to me.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
ME: Iβm so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: βEatβ a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: just running to the store, who cares what Iβm wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if youβre awake
βYes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.β
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me and my fake scenarios
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? heβs obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Heard astrology described as βspace racismβ and thatβs the only definition Iβll accept from now on.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I wonβt open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out itβs time to get some groceries.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still canβt figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Good Cop: Youβre going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Donβt listen to him. Two games, tops.
pantsless bc the day after international womenβs day means women are half off
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: Iβm only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jacksonβs next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
You canβt believe itβs autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
βWhy do we park in a dri
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know thatβs a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: Iβm pretty sure itβs a Ferrari.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of βCats!β is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I canβt.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, βHelloβ¦ Natalie?β
In my 20βs: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40βs: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.