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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isnβt enough, they need to detonate
I donβt forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, Iβm a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think itβs going well!
Them: Youβve changed.
Me: hmm doesnβt sound like something Iβd do.
I know it sounds mean but when Iβm mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry βmy wayβ.
If youβre not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
You donβt need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything thatβs wrong with you for free.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasnβt aware I was wearing a costume.
Apparently, saying βmake it a doubleβ followed by an awkward wink doesnβt work at the pharmacy.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going itβs probably not worth it
βCan you explain the gap in your resume?β
βSure are you familiar with not getting jobs?β
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palinβs kids?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
manipulative people really be like oh so now iβm the bad guy for being the bad guy
βMommy never mind Iβll ask you later when youβre not scooping the phone out of the toilet.β
β My current favorite child
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow heβs pretty bad.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding whereβs waldo book* oh iβm gonna need more time
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60β from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
It takes an entire villageβs coffee to raise a child
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friendβs like βthatβs how Edward Cullen diedβ
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] Iβve trained my whole life for this moment.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that βYell for helpβ is not one of themβ¦
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, βWill you leave me more if Iβm your lawyer?β Sheβs clearly ready for a legal career.
Strange how FB doesnβt automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,