😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.