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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: βI love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.β
GF: βThatβs a cabbageβ¦..β
Me: βYOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.β
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if βLet the Bodies Hit the Floorβ & βItβs Raining Menβ are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Iβll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a busβ¦ See ya at the cemetery!
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: I really shouldnβt be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay thatβs weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but Iβd probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc thatβs all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Why are books the only thing advertised as βWherever books are sold.β You canβt sell other stuff by saying βWherever you get this shit, IDKβ
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I donβt know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
4yo: When youβre 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, itβs 9
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with βHush now baby donβt you shout, Iβll open the window, and throw you outβ . Donβt judge
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. Thatβs very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see youβve liked flowers. Perhaps youβd like these other flowers
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. itβs mocking you. itβs saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Iβm not usually vengeful, but when I am itβs because someone gave my kid a whistle.