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waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: iβm a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the backβre telling me the specialβs actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: thatβs too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* theyβve already started on it.
Breaking news:
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dudeβs wife and I said no Iβm his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: π΅
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Thatβs rightβ¦
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: Itβs not my arm.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo Iβll solve itβ¦
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents havenβt realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
How did the person who invented the spelling of βbananaβ decide when to stop?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: Iβm interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. Itβs $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Canβ¦can I join, too?
Iβm working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The orthodontist says Iβm doing a βsuper jobβ wearing my retainers. All this really means is that Iβm able to put things in my mouth.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me youβll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: Itβs important because you live alone
Me: No I donβt
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kidβs candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Donβtcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Donβtcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Donβtchaβ¦?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: β¦
Me: uh doesnβt AA mean βawkward accidentsβ?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell βwhat?β into a mirror over and over.
Donβt be afraid to love yourselfβ¦
β¦but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Saw a deer on my bike but didnβt have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. Itβs a government agency for crying out loud
Wife: You only half-listen to me. Youβre in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, letβs buy a boat.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.