😂😂😂
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.