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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My background check bounced.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
