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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good