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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
How dramatic are you?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office