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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence