馃槀馃槀
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Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I鈥檓 the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
there鈥檚 probably a fee though
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I鈥檓 not in the mood anymore.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I鈥檒l have my wife say something.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
when someone compliments me
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
This is so funny you can鈥檛 even be mad LOL
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture