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me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
🤣😂🤣😂
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
that lip filler tho
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”