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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Life with a cat in one tweet
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions