Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t