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Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’