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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
when you are just born a rebel
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.