You Might Also Like
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?