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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.