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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.