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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten