Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

A roof is a house hat.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

It be like that sometimes 😆

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense