You Might Also Like
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.