Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Well, this explains it:

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”