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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Every time.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.