😂😂
You Might Also Like
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
This could’ve been an email.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
brian had himself a morning…
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.